[It's something Peter keeps saying. There's a pattern in it, ever since the event that had half of them aged down. And it means that he's always addressing the part of Fitz's life that he's tried his hardest to squash.]
You think it's all his fault? That -- I could be made to think something about myself that wasn't already true?
None of this has anything to do with him. [The father who left because he loved booze more than his sensitive embarrassment of a son. The father who didn't tolerate whinging sissies.]
He's not here. I am. I'm the one who tried things that shouldn't have been tampered with. I'm the one who did all of it. I ought to be locked up for what I've done. It was treason. Actions ought to have consequences.
No. I'm not saying that. But of course, people can make you believe all sorts of shit about yourself. He was a fucking asshole, and he was wrong. ( Fitz said he didn't remember anything that happened during that Event, and now Peter has confirmation of the opposite. His own parents were good and kind and loving, but when they abandoned Peter, it still had an effect on how Peter saw himself so of course. Of course, parents can do that. )
I admitted you made mistakes when it came to this, and you are not the only fucking person here who was involved. Locking you up won't do anything. It won't help anyone! ( The words burst out of him, and Peter slides his hands up over his face to clamp down on it again. He breathes out into his hands, closing his eyes against them before he lets his hands down again at his sides )
I said that I understand why, because I've made mistakes before too. I get why you'd want someone angry at you instead of forgiveness and acceptance and love that you don't feel like you deserve. ( There's a reason he will never tell his Aunt that it was his fault- that he killed Uncle Ben. She'd have every right to be angry at him, and she wouldn't. She'd wrap her arms around him and tell him it's not his fault, but it was. And it is, and he caused her grief and pain and then gave her more grief and pain when Peter stayed out too late and made her worry. )
But I'm not going to be mad and I'm not going to stop caring about you. If you want that from me, I can't give you what you need.
[That dismissal of Alistair Fitz sets his mouth into a tight line. Fitz is nothing if not loyal, and blood ties are more binding than anything. Even when the result is self-destructive.]
You've not met him. All you know are the ramblings of a frightened child.
[So what if he lied? It was a necessary lie to avoid exactly this.
This is the part where he'd be pushing things over, destroying objects to keep from destroying people. The outdoors is much less convenient in that respect. He'll have to settle for shoving against the ground and propelling his body back to its feet.]
( Peter bites down hard on his lip as his chest kind of implodes in such a way he can't breathe for a second. Fitz thinks Peter's so good at socializing and he's not. None of this comes easily to him. He felt abandoned growing up so making connections isn't something he ever did at home until Gwen but otherwise, he didn't have friends (didn't seek them, didn't even really want them), and he is aggressively aware he has no idea what he's doing. Peter presses his hands into the dirt on either side of him. He doesn't actually mind that Fitz lied. He deserved to keep it secret, deserved to not have it dragged out by a Wonderland Event, and Peter never would have mentioned it again if not- if not for it being brought up.
He wants to say that a child shouldn't be that frightened of their father, and if they are, it's the father's fucking fault, but he can't manage to get words out at all. He's said so much, so much more than he's used to saying.
He just finally realizes his words are only making it worse on someone he cares about who is already going through too much, and he feels sick like bile rising up in his throat. He shoves back a shudder as it threatens to take over him.
His fingertips dig into dirt, and he stares into the water even as Fitz gets to his feet. He can't say anything else. He doesn't move at all. He's going to give Fitz the chance to escape, to leave this moment and this place. Peter knows Jemma will take care of him in ways Peter simply is incapable of.
It's Spider-man that helps people. That's his responsibility. )
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no subject
You think it's all his fault? That -- I could be made to think something about myself that wasn't already true?
None of this has anything to do with him. [The father who left because he loved booze more than his sensitive embarrassment of a son. The father who didn't tolerate whinging sissies.]
He's not here. I am. I'm the one who tried things that shouldn't have been tampered with. I'm the one who did all of it. I ought to be locked up for what I've done. It was treason. Actions ought to have consequences.
no subject
I admitted you made mistakes when it came to this, and you are not the only fucking person here who was involved. Locking you up won't do anything. It won't help anyone! ( The words burst out of him, and Peter slides his hands up over his face to clamp down on it again. He breathes out into his hands, closing his eyes against them before he lets his hands down again at his sides )
I said that I understand why, because I've made mistakes before too. I get why you'd want someone angry at you instead of forgiveness and acceptance and love that you don't feel like you deserve. ( There's a reason he will never tell his Aunt that it was his fault- that he killed Uncle Ben. She'd have every right to be angry at him, and she wouldn't. She'd wrap her arms around him and tell him it's not his fault, but it was. And it is, and he caused her grief and pain and then gave her more grief and pain when Peter stayed out too late and made her worry. )
But I'm not going to be mad and I'm not going to stop caring about you. If you want that from me, I can't give you what you need.
no subject
You've not met him. All you know are the ramblings of a frightened child.
[So what if he lied? It was a necessary lie to avoid exactly this.
This is the part where he'd be pushing things over, destroying objects to keep from destroying people. The outdoors is much less convenient in that respect. He'll have to settle for shoving against the ground and propelling his body back to its feet.]
no subject
He wants to say that a child shouldn't be that frightened of their father, and if they are, it's the father's fucking fault, but he can't manage to get words out at all. He's said so much, so much more than he's used to saying.
He just finally realizes his words are only making it worse on someone he cares about who is already going through too much, and he feels sick like bile rising up in his throat. He shoves back a shudder as it threatens to take over him.
His fingertips dig into dirt, and he stares into the water even as Fitz gets to his feet. He can't say anything else. He doesn't move at all. He's going to give Fitz the chance to escape, to leave this moment and this place. Peter knows Jemma will take care of him in ways Peter simply is incapable of.
It's Spider-man that helps people. That's his responsibility. )