Oh, there's much of Wonderland that I've not seen.
[He's been here for a year, yes, but most of that year was spent desperately drowning in one crisis after another.He's mostly only ever left the mansion when events forced him out.]
[But that still doesn't make the outside any more appealing. He'll let Peter lead him out, but it won't stop him from dragging his feet the whole way.]
[ Peter winces apologetically but well. Sometimes it's good to see like what happens as a result of everything else? He doesn't know. Words and emotions aren't his strong suit at all, but he cares a lot about Fitz. And. Yeah. ]
Here it is. [ The lake opens up in front of them. Peter shoves his hands into his pockets. ]
[The sun is too bright, and the level of allergens out here is probably astronomical. He doesn't suffer from hay fevers, but he might very well start after being exposed like this. And what if Jemma was planning a romantic surprise? That's silly - Jemma wouldn't know romance if she was buried under an avalanche of rose petals. Note to self: rig her door to shower her with rose petals upon entry.
He pauses at the edge of the lake, frowning suspiciously.]
It's been safe like I told you. [ Peter wouldn't have lied about it. He looks over at Fitz then quiet. He breathes out, lets his fists ease within the pockets of his own jacket. ]
[He'll settle down at the edge of it, watching some of the local fauna bathe near the shallow end. He's kind of committed to this "grumpy and miserable" thing right now.]
No, it's more than that. It's more space that wasn't there before. Everything we do... or don't do, it has an effect. We can't always see what that effect is.
[ Peter settles down beside him and then draws his long legs in against his chest as he stares out at it, at the water. ]
I don't think a lake's going to change anyone's opinion on whether they want to leave or not, but it's nice to have in the meantime.
[ Peter's voice is soft, and he breathes out as he watches the water, watches the waves within the lake how they crash up on the shore. He doesn't always know if he wants to leave or not. His aunt's back home, but there's a lot of- there's a lot of shit there too, which he's managed to avoid dealing with by being here.
And Wonderland's important to him too. The people here are important to him too. Peter wrings his hands together in front of him wondering about saying the rest, saying what's in his head. He's not good at talking, but he might just give anything to reach through to Fitz now. ]
[ When Bonnie was here, he really didn't want to leave despite the fact this universe could not sustain their relationship forever simply because Wonderland's- It's like it's been cut out of life. Time doesn't move. ]
Yes, I want to leave to see my aunt again, but also, no, I don't want to deal with- with the fallout of the mistakes I made before I came here. And I don't want to leave my friends to deal with Wonderland's shit on their own. I want to leave when everyone's safely leaving, returning to their home or going somewhere better.
Then at least we went out fighting. ( It's said softly. ) It's why it's important to never stop trying.
( Peter hesitates then, reaching over to rest a hand against Fitz's shoulder, because he also understands why- why it'd be so hard to continue trying after everything that happened. Peter pauses again, shoving his hands back into his pockets. It's hard to open up especially about this but that's just how much Fitz matters to him. )
Y'know, how I told you about what my uncle said... about having the ability to do good and thus having the responsibility?
( Peter swallows up what he was going to say, squares his shoulders back as he shelves it. His hand tightens at Fitz's shoulder when he leans in. )
Sometimes doing nothing makes us feel responsible in a different way. You live with the guilt. No matter what. ( It sticks. ) But yeah, you always have to pay attention to your actions and try to do right by those affected by them.
( Peter shuts his eyes tightly, sliding a hand over his face then, because that's not- Fitz is doing this on purpose. He knows how Peter felt about being compelled, how much it hurt, how hard it was to know Fitz had told Klaus about what happened without Peter's permission. Something so personal, something that stuck with him after he'd been compelled. He's long since forgiven Damon for it, forgiven Fitz for telling. Put it in the past, but compulsion in general gets to him like little else does.
In general, Peter struggles with anger, with being angry at anyone given the last time he genuinely, outwardly was, it was at his uncle, and it was right before his uncle died because of him. He was going to talk about that (and he's never really said the words before), about how doing nothing- literally seeing the opportunity and doing nothing has left him with the heaviest guilt of his life. And so now he can't stop trying over and over and over again even when it doesn't work, even when it makes things worse.
He digs his fingertips into the back of his neck, staring out into the water. His chest feels like its own little implosion. )
You want me to be mad at you.
You want me to condemn you and tell you- tell you I believe everything you've ever been made to believe about yourself, and I get why. But I won't.
We learn. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and try to do better next time, and sometimes we still fuck up. I do too. Everyone does. You can do good. You won't convince me otherwise, and beyond that, I care about you. ( His throat locks up. ) I don't want to be mad when you're already more mad at yourself than anyone else could possibly be.
[It's something Peter keeps saying. There's a pattern in it, ever since the event that had half of them aged down. And it means that he's always addressing the part of Fitz's life that he's tried his hardest to squash.]
You think it's all his fault? That -- I could be made to think something about myself that wasn't already true?
None of this has anything to do with him. [The father who left because he loved booze more than his sensitive embarrassment of a son. The father who didn't tolerate whinging sissies.]
He's not here. I am. I'm the one who tried things that shouldn't have been tampered with. I'm the one who did all of it. I ought to be locked up for what I've done. It was treason. Actions ought to have consequences.
No. I'm not saying that. But of course, people can make you believe all sorts of shit about yourself. He was a fucking asshole, and he was wrong. ( Fitz said he didn't remember anything that happened during that Event, and now Peter has confirmation of the opposite. His own parents were good and kind and loving, but when they abandoned Peter, it still had an effect on how Peter saw himself so of course. Of course, parents can do that. )
I admitted you made mistakes when it came to this, and you are not the only fucking person here who was involved. Locking you up won't do anything. It won't help anyone! ( The words burst out of him, and Peter slides his hands up over his face to clamp down on it again. He breathes out into his hands, closing his eyes against them before he lets his hands down again at his sides )
I said that I understand why, because I've made mistakes before too. I get why you'd want someone angry at you instead of forgiveness and acceptance and love that you don't feel like you deserve. ( There's a reason he will never tell his Aunt that it was his fault- that he killed Uncle Ben. She'd have every right to be angry at him, and she wouldn't. She'd wrap her arms around him and tell him it's not his fault, but it was. And it is, and he caused her grief and pain and then gave her more grief and pain when Peter stayed out too late and made her worry. )
But I'm not going to be mad and I'm not going to stop caring about you. If you want that from me, I can't give you what you need.
[That dismissal of Alistair Fitz sets his mouth into a tight line. Fitz is nothing if not loyal, and blood ties are more binding than anything. Even when the result is self-destructive.]
You've not met him. All you know are the ramblings of a frightened child.
[So what if he lied? It was a necessary lie to avoid exactly this.
This is the part where he'd be pushing things over, destroying objects to keep from destroying people. The outdoors is much less convenient in that respect. He'll have to settle for shoving against the ground and propelling his body back to its feet.]
( Peter bites down hard on his lip as his chest kind of implodes in such a way he can't breathe for a second. Fitz thinks Peter's so good at socializing and he's not. None of this comes easily to him. He felt abandoned growing up so making connections isn't something he ever did at home until Gwen but otherwise, he didn't have friends (didn't seek them, didn't even really want them), and he is aggressively aware he has no idea what he's doing. Peter presses his hands into the dirt on either side of him. He doesn't actually mind that Fitz lied. He deserved to keep it secret, deserved to not have it dragged out by a Wonderland Event, and Peter never would have mentioned it again if not- if not for it being brought up.
He wants to say that a child shouldn't be that frightened of their father, and if they are, it's the father's fucking fault, but he can't manage to get words out at all. He's said so much, so much more than he's used to saying.
He just finally realizes his words are only making it worse on someone he cares about who is already going through too much, and he feels sick like bile rising up in his throat. He shoves back a shudder as it threatens to take over him.
His fingertips dig into dirt, and he stares into the water even as Fitz gets to his feet. He can't say anything else. He doesn't move at all. He's going to give Fitz the chance to escape, to leave this moment and this place. Peter knows Jemma will take care of him in ways Peter simply is incapable of.
It's Spider-man that helps people. That's his responsibility. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[He's been here for a year, yes, but most of that year was spent desperately drowning in one crisis after another.He's mostly only ever left the mansion when events forced him out.]
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I'll be with you. ( Even if it ends up for some odd reason suddenly not being safe, Peter wouldn't let anything happen to Fitz. )
[action]
[But that still doesn't make the outside any more appealing. He'll let Peter lead him out, but it won't stop him from dragging his feet the whole way.]
[action]
Here it is. [ The lake opens up in front of them. Peter shoves his hands into his pockets. ]
[action]
He pauses at the edge of the lake, frowning suspiciously.]
Has anyone drowned in it yet?
[action]
It's been safe like I told you. [ Peter wouldn't have lied about it. He looks over at Fitz then quiet. He breathes out, lets his fists ease within the pockets of his own jacket. ]
It's been good for people.
[action]
[He'll settle down at the edge of it, watching some of the local fauna bathe near the shallow end. He's kind of committed to this "grumpy and miserable" thing right now.]
[action]
[ Peter settles down beside him and then draws his long legs in against his chest as he stares out at it, at the water. ]
[action]
[It's a perfect lake, in the same way everything here is abysmally perfect.]
They've tried to please us. To make us content and less willing to leave.
[action]
[ Peter's voice is soft, and he breathes out as he watches the water, watches the waves within the lake how they crash up on the shore. He doesn't always know if he wants to leave or not. His aunt's back home, but there's a lot of- there's a lot of shit there too, which he's managed to avoid dealing with by being here.
And Wonderland's important to him too. The people here are important to him too. Peter wrings his hands together in front of him wondering about saying the rest, saying what's in his head. He's not good at talking, but he might just give anything to reach through to Fitz now. ]
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[It's fine that Parker won't bring it up on his own; Fitz was about to do it anyway.]
I've found that people who've been here long enough generally don't.
[Does Wonderland erode will alongside memory?]
[action]
[ When Bonnie was here, he really didn't want to leave despite the fact this universe could not sustain their relationship forever simply because Wonderland's- It's like it's been cut out of life. Time doesn't move. ]
Yes, I want to leave to see my aunt again, but also, no, I don't want to deal with- with the fallout of the mistakes I made before I came here. And I don't want to leave my friends to deal with Wonderland's shit on their own. I want to leave when everyone's safely leaving, returning to their home or going somewhere better.
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And if we never find a way to free everyone? Do we live here until it's robbed us of everything?
[ Peter sounds homesick. Fitz hates to think he might be making it worse. ]
What if the place we saw in December is going to happen whether or not we want it to?
[action]
( Peter hesitates then, reaching over to rest a hand against Fitz's shoulder, because he also understands why- why it'd be so hard to continue trying after everything that happened. Peter pauses again, shoving his hands back into his pockets. It's hard to open up especially about this but that's just how much Fitz matters to him. )
Y'know, how I told you about what my uncle said... about having the ability to do good and thus having the responsibility?
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It's also about having the responsibility to know when old intentions are hurting people.
[ he'll let Peter touch him though, and slowly lean into the contact. ]
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Sometimes doing nothing makes us feel responsible in a different way. You live with the guilt. No matter what. ( It sticks. ) But yeah, you always have to pay attention to your actions and try to do right by those affected by them.
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Before this. I tried to do an experiment with Compulsion. I thought it could be used to bring back memories that Wonderland stole from someone.
It didn't work. People were hurt.
[Do you see, Peter? Do you see how he's a monster?]
I shouldn't be trusted.
no subject
In general, Peter struggles with anger, with being angry at anyone given the last time he genuinely, outwardly was, it was at his uncle, and it was right before his uncle died because of him. He was going to talk about that (and he's never really said the words before), about how doing nothing- literally seeing the opportunity and doing nothing has left him with the heaviest guilt of his life. And so now he can't stop trying over and over and over again even when it doesn't work, even when it makes things worse.
He digs his fingertips into the back of his neck, staring out into the water. His chest feels like its own little implosion. )
You want me to be mad at you.
You want me to condemn you and tell you- tell you I believe everything you've ever been made to believe about yourself, and I get why. But I won't.
We learn. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and try to do better next time, and sometimes we still fuck up. I do too. Everyone does. You can do good. You won't convince me otherwise, and beyond that, I care about you. ( His throat locks up. ) I don't want to be mad when you're already more mad at yourself than anyone else could possibly be.
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You think it's all his fault? That -- I could be made to think something about myself that wasn't already true?
None of this has anything to do with him. [The father who left because he loved booze more than his sensitive embarrassment of a son. The father who didn't tolerate whinging sissies.]
He's not here. I am. I'm the one who tried things that shouldn't have been tampered with. I'm the one who did all of it. I ought to be locked up for what I've done. It was treason. Actions ought to have consequences.
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I admitted you made mistakes when it came to this, and you are not the only fucking person here who was involved. Locking you up won't do anything. It won't help anyone! ( The words burst out of him, and Peter slides his hands up over his face to clamp down on it again. He breathes out into his hands, closing his eyes against them before he lets his hands down again at his sides )
I said that I understand why, because I've made mistakes before too. I get why you'd want someone angry at you instead of forgiveness and acceptance and love that you don't feel like you deserve. ( There's a reason he will never tell his Aunt that it was his fault- that he killed Uncle Ben. She'd have every right to be angry at him, and she wouldn't. She'd wrap her arms around him and tell him it's not his fault, but it was. And it is, and he caused her grief and pain and then gave her more grief and pain when Peter stayed out too late and made her worry. )
But I'm not going to be mad and I'm not going to stop caring about you. If you want that from me, I can't give you what you need.
no subject
You've not met him. All you know are the ramblings of a frightened child.
[So what if he lied? It was a necessary lie to avoid exactly this.
This is the part where he'd be pushing things over, destroying objects to keep from destroying people. The outdoors is much less convenient in that respect. He'll have to settle for shoving against the ground and propelling his body back to its feet.]
no subject
He wants to say that a child shouldn't be that frightened of their father, and if they are, it's the father's fucking fault, but he can't manage to get words out at all. He's said so much, so much more than he's used to saying.
He just finally realizes his words are only making it worse on someone he cares about who is already going through too much, and he feels sick like bile rising up in his throat. He shoves back a shudder as it threatens to take over him.
His fingertips dig into dirt, and he stares into the water even as Fitz gets to his feet. He can't say anything else. He doesn't move at all. He's going to give Fitz the chance to escape, to leave this moment and this place. Peter knows Jemma will take care of him in ways Peter simply is incapable of.
It's Spider-man that helps people. That's his responsibility. )