[ Wonderland can be boring in general but especially for people who are not engaged in anything at all. ]
You used to spend almost your entire day, working on projects, using all your intelligence and knowledge and passion, throwing yourself into it. It'd be hard to fill up that space.
( Peter gives Fitz a small but sad smile. There's a little bit of an ache in his dark brown eyes, because he- well, he knows why it's a complicated issue. ) It's safe.
Looks like the roller coaster's pretty complete, and you should get to see the lake. [ It's something very good that came out of the whole week, which he knows Fitz feels responsibility for. Peter understands that feeling of responsibility, of guilt. He doesn't want it to drown his friend. ]
Oh, there's much of Wonderland that I've not seen.
[He's been here for a year, yes, but most of that year was spent desperately drowning in one crisis after another.He's mostly only ever left the mansion when events forced him out.]
[But that still doesn't make the outside any more appealing. He'll let Peter lead him out, but it won't stop him from dragging his feet the whole way.]
[ Peter winces apologetically but well. Sometimes it's good to see like what happens as a result of everything else? He doesn't know. Words and emotions aren't his strong suit at all, but he cares a lot about Fitz. And. Yeah. ]
Here it is. [ The lake opens up in front of them. Peter shoves his hands into his pockets. ]
[The sun is too bright, and the level of allergens out here is probably astronomical. He doesn't suffer from hay fevers, but he might very well start after being exposed like this. And what if Jemma was planning a romantic surprise? That's silly - Jemma wouldn't know romance if she was buried under an avalanche of rose petals. Note to self: rig her door to shower her with rose petals upon entry.
He pauses at the edge of the lake, frowning suspiciously.]
It's been safe like I told you. [ Peter wouldn't have lied about it. He looks over at Fitz then quiet. He breathes out, lets his fists ease within the pockets of his own jacket. ]
[He'll settle down at the edge of it, watching some of the local fauna bathe near the shallow end. He's kind of committed to this "grumpy and miserable" thing right now.]
No, it's more than that. It's more space that wasn't there before. Everything we do... or don't do, it has an effect. We can't always see what that effect is.
[ Peter settles down beside him and then draws his long legs in against his chest as he stares out at it, at the water. ]
I don't think a lake's going to change anyone's opinion on whether they want to leave or not, but it's nice to have in the meantime.
[ Peter's voice is soft, and he breathes out as he watches the water, watches the waves within the lake how they crash up on the shore. He doesn't always know if he wants to leave or not. His aunt's back home, but there's a lot of- there's a lot of shit there too, which he's managed to avoid dealing with by being here.
And Wonderland's important to him too. The people here are important to him too. Peter wrings his hands together in front of him wondering about saying the rest, saying what's in his head. He's not good at talking, but he might just give anything to reach through to Fitz now. ]
[ When Bonnie was here, he really didn't want to leave despite the fact this universe could not sustain their relationship forever simply because Wonderland's- It's like it's been cut out of life. Time doesn't move. ]
Yes, I want to leave to see my aunt again, but also, no, I don't want to deal with- with the fallout of the mistakes I made before I came here. And I don't want to leave my friends to deal with Wonderland's shit on their own. I want to leave when everyone's safely leaving, returning to their home or going somewhere better.
Then at least we went out fighting. ( It's said softly. ) It's why it's important to never stop trying.
( Peter hesitates then, reaching over to rest a hand against Fitz's shoulder, because he also understands why- why it'd be so hard to continue trying after everything that happened. Peter pauses again, shoving his hands back into his pockets. It's hard to open up especially about this but that's just how much Fitz matters to him. )
Y'know, how I told you about what my uncle said... about having the ability to do good and thus having the responsibility?
( Peter swallows up what he was going to say, squares his shoulders back as he shelves it. His hand tightens at Fitz's shoulder when he leans in. )
Sometimes doing nothing makes us feel responsible in a different way. You live with the guilt. No matter what. ( It sticks. ) But yeah, you always have to pay attention to your actions and try to do right by those affected by them.
( Peter shuts his eyes tightly, sliding a hand over his face then, because that's not- Fitz is doing this on purpose. He knows how Peter felt about being compelled, how much it hurt, how hard it was to know Fitz had told Klaus about what happened without Peter's permission. Something so personal, something that stuck with him after he'd been compelled. He's long since forgiven Damon for it, forgiven Fitz for telling. Put it in the past, but compulsion in general gets to him like little else does.
In general, Peter struggles with anger, with being angry at anyone given the last time he genuinely, outwardly was, it was at his uncle, and it was right before his uncle died because of him. He was going to talk about that (and he's never really said the words before), about how doing nothing- literally seeing the opportunity and doing nothing has left him with the heaviest guilt of his life. And so now he can't stop trying over and over and over again even when it doesn't work, even when it makes things worse.
He digs his fingertips into the back of his neck, staring out into the water. His chest feels like its own little implosion. )
You want me to be mad at you.
You want me to condemn you and tell you- tell you I believe everything you've ever been made to believe about yourself, and I get why. But I won't.
We learn. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and try to do better next time, and sometimes we still fuck up. I do too. Everyone does. You can do good. You won't convince me otherwise, and beyond that, I care about you. ( His throat locks up. ) I don't want to be mad when you're already more mad at yourself than anyone else could possibly be.
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[ Wonderland can be boring in general but especially for people who are not engaged in anything at all. ]
You used to spend almost your entire day, working on projects, using all your intelligence and knowledge and passion, throwing yourself into it. It'd be hard to fill up that space.
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[It doesn't feel like one.]
The lake seems pleasant.
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If you're bored, you're definitely not having a vacation. [Peter pauses a bit.] Yeah? I haven't spent much time out there yet.
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I've not been their either. [It seems like a complicated issue, really.]
Are you sure it's particularly safe to visit it, all things considered?
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I'm completely sure. C'mon, lets check it out.
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You -- want to do it now?
[The idea of doing anything feels overwhelming, despite his own restlessness.]
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Looks like the roller coaster's pretty complete, and you should get to see the lake. [ It's something very good that came out of the whole week, which he knows Fitz feels responsibility for. Peter understands that feeling of responsibility, of guilt. He doesn't want it to drown his friend. ]
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[He's been here for a year, yes, but most of that year was spent desperately drowning in one crisis after another.He's mostly only ever left the mansion when events forced him out.]
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I'll be with you. ( Even if it ends up for some odd reason suddenly not being safe, Peter wouldn't let anything happen to Fitz. )
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[But that still doesn't make the outside any more appealing. He'll let Peter lead him out, but it won't stop him from dragging his feet the whole way.]
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Here it is. [ The lake opens up in front of them. Peter shoves his hands into his pockets. ]
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He pauses at the edge of the lake, frowning suspiciously.]
Has anyone drowned in it yet?
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It's been safe like I told you. [ Peter wouldn't have lied about it. He looks over at Fitz then quiet. He breathes out, lets his fists ease within the pockets of his own jacket. ]
It's been good for people.
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[He'll settle down at the edge of it, watching some of the local fauna bathe near the shallow end. He's kind of committed to this "grumpy and miserable" thing right now.]
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[ Peter settles down beside him and then draws his long legs in against his chest as he stares out at it, at the water. ]
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[It's a perfect lake, in the same way everything here is abysmally perfect.]
They've tried to please us. To make us content and less willing to leave.
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[ Peter's voice is soft, and he breathes out as he watches the water, watches the waves within the lake how they crash up on the shore. He doesn't always know if he wants to leave or not. His aunt's back home, but there's a lot of- there's a lot of shit there too, which he's managed to avoid dealing with by being here.
And Wonderland's important to him too. The people here are important to him too. Peter wrings his hands together in front of him wondering about saying the rest, saying what's in his head. He's not good at talking, but he might just give anything to reach through to Fitz now. ]
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[It's fine that Parker won't bring it up on his own; Fitz was about to do it anyway.]
I've found that people who've been here long enough generally don't.
[Does Wonderland erode will alongside memory?]
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[ When Bonnie was here, he really didn't want to leave despite the fact this universe could not sustain their relationship forever simply because Wonderland's- It's like it's been cut out of life. Time doesn't move. ]
Yes, I want to leave to see my aunt again, but also, no, I don't want to deal with- with the fallout of the mistakes I made before I came here. And I don't want to leave my friends to deal with Wonderland's shit on their own. I want to leave when everyone's safely leaving, returning to their home or going somewhere better.
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And if we never find a way to free everyone? Do we live here until it's robbed us of everything?
[ Peter sounds homesick. Fitz hates to think he might be making it worse. ]
What if the place we saw in December is going to happen whether or not we want it to?
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( Peter hesitates then, reaching over to rest a hand against Fitz's shoulder, because he also understands why- why it'd be so hard to continue trying after everything that happened. Peter pauses again, shoving his hands back into his pockets. It's hard to open up especially about this but that's just how much Fitz matters to him. )
Y'know, how I told you about what my uncle said... about having the ability to do good and thus having the responsibility?
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It's also about having the responsibility to know when old intentions are hurting people.
[ he'll let Peter touch him though, and slowly lean into the contact. ]
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Sometimes doing nothing makes us feel responsible in a different way. You live with the guilt. No matter what. ( It sticks. ) But yeah, you always have to pay attention to your actions and try to do right by those affected by them.
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Before this. I tried to do an experiment with Compulsion. I thought it could be used to bring back memories that Wonderland stole from someone.
It didn't work. People were hurt.
[Do you see, Peter? Do you see how he's a monster?]
I shouldn't be trusted.
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In general, Peter struggles with anger, with being angry at anyone given the last time he genuinely, outwardly was, it was at his uncle, and it was right before his uncle died because of him. He was going to talk about that (and he's never really said the words before), about how doing nothing- literally seeing the opportunity and doing nothing has left him with the heaviest guilt of his life. And so now he can't stop trying over and over and over again even when it doesn't work, even when it makes things worse.
He digs his fingertips into the back of his neck, staring out into the water. His chest feels like its own little implosion. )
You want me to be mad at you.
You want me to condemn you and tell you- tell you I believe everything you've ever been made to believe about yourself, and I get why. But I won't.
We learn. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and try to do better next time, and sometimes we still fuck up. I do too. Everyone does. You can do good. You won't convince me otherwise, and beyond that, I care about you. ( His throat locks up. ) I don't want to be mad when you're already more mad at yourself than anyone else could possibly be.
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